The Love That Should Never Have Been: Pt 8. When All Is Said And Done.
When all is said and done…
All that matters is that we Love.
Joyfully.
Honestly.
Without refrain.
Thank you for showing up.
🖤
Above was the final letter I wrote. 22 words.
We’re 5 months on from this last note, and everything has changed.
It’s been a whirlwind of emotions. The entire spectrum, from bliss to anger, from hurt to joy, heartbreak to wholeness and everything in between.
Looking back, it’s only the last third of our journey in which I wasn’t putting up a front, to myself and therefore inevitably to him and everyone else, around how I really felt. What was really happening inside my heart. One morning in late April, lying in his arms in tears after having honestly expressed and really listened to what he had been saying all along, something switched. I changed. I realized I had secretly been holding onto something I shouldn’t have been. I was highly out of integrity. And while my heart felt deep pain, it was also the first moment in which I felt whole and complete within myself.
From there it was a journey of not only accepting, but learning to deeply love and adore all the parts of myself he and every other man had ever judged or expressed wasn’t good enough.
To become good enough, not for any of them, but for myself.
There’ve been moments of self doubt, of jealousy, of the terrifying fear I will be replaced and forgotten.
There've been moments where I catch myself again drifting into too much attachment to him. No, correction, to the idea of him.
There’ve been moments where I didn’t stand in full adoration of my journey, my power, and who I am.
And each time, I repeat to myself: You are honoured, You are beautiful, You are wise, You’re guidance is needed. You are sensual, You are loved.
Over and over I repeat these sentences, until all doubt, all anger, all frustration fades away, or starts to transmute into an energy I can utilize to create. The result?
I now stand across from him as an equal, no longer giving him or any other authority over my story. I hold my own energy, unreliant on any other being.
Never have I felt more in my power as a professional, as a woman, as an individual. I am here to be the author of my own story.
Jon Doe, will always play a key role in my life. I love and trust him innately, like no other man before him. And I will forever be grateful for the cataclysmic role he played in my deeply becoming the woman I have always longed to be. But ultimately, when reading back the letters I wrote during the first part of this journey five months ago, I realize I was trying to be in control and not stepping into authority. Not being the AUTHOR of MY story, but letting another determine how this myth of mine would play out.
I stand by this final letter.
All that matters is indeed that we love.
However, this letter should first and foremost apply to ourselves. We need to love, to be IN LOVE WITH our own beings, and from there we can truly give and grow together.
While I’m sure this rollercoaster has more corners and a few more loops, I am certain I am sitting in it in full integrity with myself and who I am, who I desire to be for me.
When all is said and done
All that matters is that we love ourselves.
Joyfully.
Honestly.
Without refrain.
I’m thankful for showing up.
