The Love That Should Never Have Been: Pt. 3 - 8:16

8:16 a.m. 

Having just finished my morning practice I watch the dust dance through the early sunlight coming through the window. I feel synchronously so powerful and so feeble.

I hate that you do this to me.

It’s uncomfortable for me that you’ve made your way so deep into my heart. 

Correction: That I’ve allowed you so deep into my heart.

I despise that having let you in makes me feel as if I’ve given away my power; My ability to think rationally. Emotions now flood my heart, my thoughts, my being. I know this isn’t a weakness but, in this moment, it feels like one. 

Life used to be so simple, so easy and now… it’s not exactly the opposite of those things, but it’s no longer like it used to be.
Now, when I feel something and don’t open up or express it, I feel like I’m keeping a secret, hiding something from you.

Maybe I am? 

We’ve agreed to “vulner”, and yet I struggle with how open I should be. Is there such thing as too open? Now we’re crossing back over the line we crossed so many weeks ago are there things I should no longer share? 

You’re one of the handful of people who I have allowed to see the depths of my heart and soul. And yet, I’m afraid continually letting you so far in will actually push you away. Will cause you to think it’s better for us to “take space”. But that is the furthest from what I want.

Being torn between the deep desire (and fear) to share my authentic thoughts with you, and keeping you slightly on the outside of my most inner workings is what has been my biggest struggle over the past few days.

I have found myself wondering where the line is that will cause you to push me away? Is there even such a thing?

 Can I even share this?