The Love That Should Never Have Been: PT 1. A Love Letter

Never have I been so open, so honest, so vulnerable with anyone. 

Yet, here I sit; 

so many things left unsaid, 

        and nothing to say… 

I sit here in bed alone, and through tears, I stare at the cursor blinking at me. 

It almost feels as if it is laughing at me for thinking I will be able to express the depths of what I feel. For even the noblest actions of expression are but feeble attempts to put words to something which can only be felt, be experienced, by us present to the journey which is.

I disclose this knowing you understand I’m not trying to bring forth guilt or change anything. Just being with what is. Nor do I cry solely tears of sorrow.

No, on the contrary, it is a perfect storm inside my being. My body a shell, holding what feels like an impeccable balance, yet intensity of every emotion: Fondness for the memories created, sadness for the ending of what was, excitement for what we are about to become, joy for the closeness we now hold, fear of the rejection you could exhibit, playfulness from the essence of my being, strength for the power I know I carry inside, hurt for the rejection which never occurred, wary-ness for what the future may bring, tenderness for the beings we both truly are and the journey’s we’re on– in all aspects–, ecstasy for what we are about to create, and pride for what we will achieve.

You, my love, have been a completely unexpected blessing. The healer I was ignorant of needing. It is because of you, your words, your actions, I have broken patterns and become more aware of the limitless possibilities of love and companionship.

Thank you for forcing me into my feminine, for encouraging my expression, for continuously honing my strategic thinking, for openly challenging my thought patterns, and for your patience when I needed more time (literally to get out of the house in the mornings 😜, and also when my brain needed more time to comprehend the conversation/theory at hand). Thank you for embodying the challenger, the healer, the masculine, the playful child, the philosopher, the joker, the mystic, the tempter, the light and the dark. 

It is through the honouring of our promise to be “fucking real”, to convey fully open communication and expression you have taught me the lessons I was unaware I needed. Through your authenticity, I have been able to open my heart to the endless possibilities this life holds.

Thank you for making me laugh, for making me express my voice in words, in asking for what I desire, in expressing my opinion (divine or evil) and in song. Thank you for making me want to work harder, and for making me want to be better. 

(Oh, and for the baby muscles which are sore again after yesterday’s workout, hihi)

This past month has been a joy. It has been one of the simplest I have ever experienced. You have made working on myself seem so easy. You have made admitting my shortcomings and wanting to overcome these simple and even fun. You have shown me my mindset was limiting my beliefs of what could be in a partner.
You have raised the bar, set a higher standard for what I believe to be and desire from true partnership.

I write these things, not to elicit pity, emotion, nor with any desire to change the outcome of what is. The opposite actually, I write these in a sorrowful attempt to express the gratitude and fullness my heart feels. And to continue to be deeply real and the friend and support I hope we will always be to one another through our authenticity and level of comfort.
It is actually with great effort that I force myself to type the words, just as I forced myself not to fight back the tears (with only ½ success due to the others around) when we expressed our good-bye of the ”us” as we have known it. It is solely the knowledge of our eternal promise to “vulner” with one another, that has me typing the words now intended to share with you, instead of solely writing to myself. 

Although I’m sure it won’t come without it’s expected and unexpected challenges, I’m so excited for this next phase we’re about to embark upon, the things we get to encounter, get to create and all the things we will yet learn together through our journey. Excited for all the laughs, tears, anger, and joy we have yet to experience together.

I ask your patience and forgiveness in advance for any potential awkwardness due to comfort levels or adjustment to new boundaries. I ask for your continued love and support as I persevere in learning to be open and vulnerable.

Know that I will always honour you, your opinion, your desired space and your partner(s).

I am going to stop, as I’ve read and edited this twice and all of these words still aren’t even close to expressing what I wish I could bring across. 

I love you, Jon Doe.

Unconditionally.
Always & Forever. 
❤️